Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
