I accidentally had phone sex last night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
