worst night to have a conscience
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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