I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Two words: blizzard sex
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
