Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize