Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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