he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
