can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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