Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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