The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And then he peed in my hair
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