I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
