i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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