I'm lost and stupid without you.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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