My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
