After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
