i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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