Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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