were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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