"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So much Jack, so little girl.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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