my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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