My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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