So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
