I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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