if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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