I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
