I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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