My liver just broke up with me...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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