does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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