I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
