I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
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