is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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