I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
