He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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