Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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