i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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