Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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