Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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