I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
