i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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