he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
