I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
