Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
