fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
