Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
