I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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