Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
