I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
did you just send me my own nude
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
