oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
