he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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