Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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