So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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