It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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