i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
