remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize