Are we in a gay sports bar?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
