I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
