I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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